Drug Testing.....Who knew this could be exciting?

Drug Testing

Who would have thought that this would be such a funny experience?

For a new job, I needed to go to the nearby urgent care and have a drug test. I knew it was coming, so on my way to Scottsdale, I guzzled a lot of liquid. I wanted to make sure I could just go into the place, pee in a cup, and leave.

Sooooo…..

That’s not what happened.

I got to the urgent care, and signed in, and waited.

And, waited……

….and waited some more.

I was texting Aunt Denise, and I finally told her that I just wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold it! It was starting to get to the point that I thought I might explode.

I was just about to go talk to the receptionist (after I had been sitting around for about 30 minutes…and I don’t know why, because it was only me and these two guys that were in the lobby, and they both came AFTER me….seriously) and let her know that there was no way I could hold my bladder any more

WHEN

The nurse came out and called MY NAME!

YAY!

I could PEE!

She took me back to the bathroom area, and locked up my purse and belongings (which, is a story in itself…my purse, my gigantic, glorious, red purse, didn’t fit. So, she had me SQUISH it into the cupboard!).

Then, she had me sign some papers, and explained that the flusher for the toilet was on the outside of the bathroom. I listen and nod my head.

But, I’m thinking, Okay lady, I’m ready to pee. Let me into that stinking bathroom and pee in this stupid cup so we can both get on with our lives.

I finally get into the bathroom, and I’m so excited to pee.

Let me explain to you the looks of this bathroom.

It was a square, and the walls were white. There was ugly tile on the floor. And the entire room was empty, except for a single toilet in one corner.

Welcome to prison.
This toilet is NASTY.
The seat part that comes down only covers half of the toilet. It's only HALF A TOILET SEAT! And on the toilet bowl, there is someone else's pee.
EWWWWWW!
It was so gross.
And the inside of the toilet is covered in blue junk. I was so grossed out.
I look for toilet seat covers, and find nothing.
EWWWW. Nothing to protect myself from the nastiness of the toilet.
So, I situate myself on the toilet, and try to get the cup....down there...and the seat is in the way.
So, I have to lift the seat up and sit down...kind of...I'm squatting so that I don't touch the nastiness of the toilet bowl. 

So, I have my pee cup (and the lady told me to fill it to the 50 mL line…that’s a heck of a lot of pee!)

I’m actually kind of excited to pee, because I’m ready, and I know that I can get it to the 50 mL line.

I sit on the toilet, and I’m totally ready!

And!

Nothing.

I got nothing!

I was just sitting in the waiting room, bouncing in my chair because I had to pee so BAD!

But, I got nothing!!!!!!

WHAT?! REALLY?! AHHHHH!

Please, please, PLEASE! Let me pee.

So, here I am, in this room, it’s empty, I’m on the toilet, and there’s no water to drink, no sink to turn on to make me pee…nothing!

I am so desperate, because by now I’ve been in the bathroom for about 5 minutes with nothing happening.

So, I start praying.

Please, Heavenly Father, just let me pee. I just need to pee. PLEASE!

And what happens?

I poop.

And, I’m sitting there, and I’m just wanting to pee.

FINALLY, after about 10 more minutes of sitting there, the pee finally comes.

And I fill that stinking cup to the 120 mL line. I FILLED the cup. To 120 mL!

But the nurse lady told me they only needed 50 mL.

So, I dump some of the pee out of the cup.

And my fear is that I pour too much out, and I would have to get myself to pee, again.

Luckily, I pour out just enough (and I stopped at the 55 mL lines).

So, I compose myself, walk out the door, and hold that precious cup. The nurse looks at me and barks at me to put the cup on the counter and to wash my hands.

Like I wouldn’t wash my hands? Uh, I have germs on my hand. And anyone that knows me, knows that I carry hand sanitizer EVERY WHERE. So, duh, I’ll wash my hands.

Then she takes that cup of pee, pours a little bit into two different vials, and takes a syringe sample, and then pours the 45 remaining milliliters in the toilet, with all my nasty waste, comes out of the room, and flushes the toilet.

I looked at her, exasperated.

I went through all that trouble, so you can use just 10 mLs?!?

Really? That’s ridiculous!

She said I could go home, and I grabbed my purse, and left.

The End.